No One Was Aborted in the Making of This Blog

I’d rather not make my abortion views explicit, but I’m about to. Have you seen this? http://www.untilabortionends.com/en-us/default.aspx. Thanks to #Tosh.0 I just witnessed the dumbest, most self-centered, pointless act of…of…non-action(?) I have ever seen. I suppose it is following in the footsteps of Lent, but these people are “sacrificing” until abortion ends. Let me tell you if abortion ever ends, by end they mean become illegal, it will not be because you gave up Diet Coke. If abortion was illegal it still wouldn’t end. It was illegal once, but it did not get flushed out of existence like its infant counterparts.

Ok, was that over the line? Let me explain myself a bit more. I would not choose to have an abortion. But I do appreciate and respect the fact that I can make that choice. I cannot justify legislating another person’s choice no matter how I personally feel about the issue. See, because it’s not about ME. When it does become about you is when you make a video, post it to the internet, and show everybody how you’re sacrificing for all the unborn children by not using your iPod. I’m sure that while other women are making the intense, life changing decision to have a child vacuumed sucked from the inside out, you crying about how you aren’t going to get to listen to your “PARTY PARTY PAR-TAY” mix is really resonating deep within their souls.

Your sacrifice is truly mind blowing. I can’t imagine how you will continue without Taco Bell. That is the type of loss you can’t really understand unless you’ve experienced it yourself. I mean, thank goodness, you made the choice to end Taco Bell in your life. What will you do now? You must feel so empty without that little chalupa inside you. It’s not like you can just go over and replace it with a Big Mac. A loss like that is inconceivable by those of us who still choose to eat Taco Bell. And how will you cheer yourself up with a good movie? Because after all, you’ve let go of Netflix. You will never stream again. A little red envelope will never again look into your selfless face. You will never again clap with the Clumps, bark with Marley, or Bring it anywhere let alone on!

I have always had a problem with people who act like giving up chocolate for 40 days is in anyway equivalent to real sacrifice for any reason, let alone religious. But, ya know, you choose how to live your life and if you want to show the almighty how serious you are by not eating ice cream then I’m sure your troubles are over. I’m not trying to belittle anyone’s way of life (I just get a little carried away sometimes), but I have a difficult time believing that these individuals are experiencing any type of loss whatsoever.

Ghandi. There’s sacrifice. If you want to give something up that truly means something try food, try giving up all forms of oral communication, try something that would actually impact your life so significantly that you will be forever changed. That is the only way you could come close to understanding the difficulty in making any real decision to have or not have children. Children are life changing, but you giving up M&M’s, sleeping in, pandapies, Bailey’s, alcohol, Reese’s Cups, French fries, beef & pork, or whatever else is not life changing. It is not helping better the world in any way.

If you feel that strongly why don’t you fight to teach kids about safe sex, proper forms of contraceptives, valuing themselves and their bodies so they do not feel the need to turn to sex until they are emotionally mature enough to handle it, teach your sons that it is never never ok to touch a woman (no matter the length of her skirt) if she does not consent with a clear mind, teach your parents that they should talk to you openly and honestly about the consequences and hardships of not only raising a child but overcoming society’s influence to have sex before you’re ready, and teach parents that their children were their choice (not their play things) and their responsibility and that they must support and care for their children despite their mistakes, teach parents to always be there for their children so that a child may come to their mother or father or grandmother no matter the trouble they are in, and with a solid support system and real love maybe there would be less of a need for such permanent decisions like abortion.

But I can see why my suggestions are out of line, offensive, and downright illogical. You’re right, giving up coffee is a much more effective plan of action.

Fashion, Frumping, and a LittleTechnotronic

I’d rather not say that I am a world class fashionista, but I have made great strides since my days of black XL Korn t-shirts and jeans with 52inch pant legs. I’ve even dumped the raccoon inspired eyeliner for a more subtle, less rabid look. I still frequently second guess my wardrobe selections and continually ask, “Does this look weird?” So, the other day I came home to find two of my roommates sitting on the couch. Perfect! They look comfy enough to be trapped in the furniture’s plushy clutches, and therefore cannot escape my “I-got-a-new-sweater-Hooray” fashion show.  I run upstairs, grab the sweater (hooray), run back down the stairs, and “Does this look weird?” before the commercials are over.

“Um, it looks kinda grandma."

"Grandma? Aw, damnit."

"It would look better if what you were wearing under it was hot. That would make it look less grandma.”

“Well, I want it for school.” 

“Oh, it's fine then. You don’t want to be hot for school.”

“No. I always try to frump it down for school.”

I teach community college, as you may know, and my classroom is populated with a number of 18(ish) year old boys, so not only was this sweater $6 and I frequently get chilly, but the appropriateness of my clothing is a constant concern. As is the appropriateness of the angle at which I bend, stoop, lean, reach, sneeze, blink, scratch, walk, wear my glasses / hair, how long I face them, how long I face away from them, where I sit, how I sit…. They’re 18 year old boys and nothing is sacred. Despite my obsessive concern for appropriateness they make it very apparent that I will never be at a loss for potential dates should I ever feel the need (I will never) for the company of an 18 year old, nevertheless a student. I am forever reminded that my clothing, appearance, and demeanor are being watched closely. Sometimes much too close. Ew.

And so it was born, Frump It Down. When your outfit is too hot for the event, just frump it down!

When you’re on your way to Aunt Blodwyn’s funeral in a little black dress slit up the thigh, frump it down. Throw on a pair of flats, a sweater or blazer, leave your shoulder length earrings in the drawer and frump it for the fam.

When you’re taking the neighbor's kids to the pool leave those bikini strings tied to the hanger and frump it down. Put on your tankini or a one piece with some mesh shorts, hell slap a tshirt on, you don’t want to be responsible for their 12 year old son popping one in public. You can’t explain that, and you shouldn’t have to. Just frump it.

For your daughter’s baptisim leave the champagne colored, skin tight, asymmetrical dress, that shows even more than the OB/GYN saw, in the closet. Keep those platforms for another day. Frump it with a nice pant suit or an ankle length dress and throw on that very maternal shawl your Nana crocheted. Frump it for your daughter, for the church, and for the employees at the restaurant where you are holding the reception.

There are other ways to frump it. You don’t need a special occasion. Many Americans like to frump it at Walmart or 8am Bio lectures. I have seen frumpers in the grocery strore, the dog park, and the diner. There are countless ways to frump it down. It’s as easy as you think.

Additional frumptacious fashion accessories include:

A dickie
ballet flats and wool socks
cut off sweatpants over knee highs
A snuggie tied around the waist with rope
your boyfriend's sleeveless Billy Idol tshirt
Anything that comes to your chin and reaches your ankle

And, ladies and gentlemen, frump it doesn’t have to refer exclusively to clothing either. You can use it whenever you need to take something down a notch. Over thinking a situation? Just frump it down. Directions on the Ikea bookshelf got you confused? Frump it. Trivial Pursuit a bit tougher than you remember? Try frumping your answer; you’ll get a pie slice in no time. The truth is, sometimes the best course of action is the frumpiest. 

So, next time your teenager tries to leave the house in the latest Minaj or Gaga trend, hand her a dickie and a pullover, and tell her to get back up those stairs and Frump. It. Down!

To remember these tips try singing a little Technotronic parody to the hit “Pump up the Jam.” Here, I’ll start you off and you fill in the rest:

 Frump, frump it down, frump it down

so your boobs ain’t showin’

…

Frump it down a little more

Get your business cas’ goin’

**Yeah, you should probably rock out now. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KyK9YDYyhLY