Why Dating Your Boss is a Terrible Idea that Ends in Ice Cream

“My boss* is handsome, responsible, smells good, is my age, and we should probably date!!”

Ok, while that clearly sounds like a great idea that would definitely not cause any problems in any area of your life ever, it’s not. I’d rather not say that I fell into this handsome trap of a situation, but I did. (Ok, I didn’t “fall” into it as much as I stared longingly into its eyes…) Along the same bad idea vein as dating your boss is writing a public blog post about dating your boss, but I will be sure to at least make one good decision and post it after one of us is no longer working with/under/over the other.

EDIT: Ok, the proper amount of time has passed, jobs have changed, and he is still wonderfully handsome (whew!)

There are many reasons to not date your boss other than that tiny “against company policy” thing. I will outline six such problems now:

1.       It has to be a secret. Secrets are horrible and I believe they put holes in your brain and increase the likelihood of embarrassing sleep drool. This secret won’t be a total secret because if things are going well others will notice that stupid twinkle in your eyes and then confront you about the stupid twinkle, in which case you will have to deny it. You deny it in a few ways: Laugh, try not to blush, tell the other person they're dumb, and then make confusing sounds asking random questions in hopes of diverting the conversation:    

“PPPpfffttt,wha? Why would? Naaaahhhh, I mean he’s dumb, kinda. Thhhppppfffttt, *sigh*, *yawn* Hey did you just fart? My mom’s calling me; gotta go!”

They’ll be totally confused and werided out, probably offended, but not convinced. Another logical reaction would be to fly off the handle over the “rumors”:

 “What the hell! This is insane!! I do not have time for you people to be spreading rumors about me!! THIS IS SERIOUS I COULD LOSE MY JOB! I HAVE BILLS AND I RUN A SHELTER FOR ABANDONED BLIND ENDANGERED OWLS AND I NEED THIS JOB OR ALL THE OWLS WILL DIE!! YOU…YOU… OWL KILLERS!”

2.       Conversations will either center around work, or be nonexistent. If you work together all the time your stories will always be the other person’s stories too. So you can go on a date and dinner will sound like this:

 “Hey remember when Betty did that thing?”
 “Yeah.”
 “That was funny.”
 “Yep.”
"More hummus?"

Or you will order food and have nothing else to say because you spent every moment of everyday together doing the same things and you will be suuuper uninteresting to the other person. Or you could always talk about the schedule.

Yeah.

 That’s fun.

 The schedule.

3.       Your boss will not want your advice on how to be a better boss. In fact, he/she will hate that. A lot. Explaining to him/her how they could’ve handled that one situation better is a terriblehorrible idea. Even if your suggestions are really good (and they always are), they’re not.

4.       You will accidently slip into comfy mode:

 “Excuse me, respected employee that I have a completely professional relationship with in every way, could you hand me the calculator?”

and at some point you will inevitably say,

“Here you go my snug-a-saur.”

You will then both freeze as if your co-workers are T-Rexes who will move on if you just stay still long enough.

5.       If you are in a relationship with your boss I hope it is a temporary job that is of relatively low importance to at least one of you. In fact, it should be a job that isn’t even worth putting on a resume. For me, my job was a part time hostess position while I was in graduate school. I needed money and a flexible schedule. This was not my career path, and I wasn’t staying long. It is much worse and more detrimental to your life, in my opinion, if you decide to have a relationship with your CEO in a career where you have a 401k . Those types of jobs are serious about their policies and you will both be terminated. It might even be labeled a scandal. Scandals are only interesting if they do not involve you in any way. Especially in any sexual way that will inevitably involve a video camera or recorded conversations. It is a scandal after all and no one can resist wanting to see you and the CEO doing it by the fax machine while you scream, “I’ll run the numbers; I’ll run the NUMBERS!”

6.       Your relationship with your boss might prove beneficial for you on the job, but if it doesn’t you may be in for a worse time than you bargained for. If your boss/significant is set on not treating you any different than anyone else at work that may unfortunately morph into treating you worse than anyone else at work. This is, of course, because of the paranoia that someone may think you’re getting special treatment. If you want special treatment keep it in the flirting stage. If you’re flirting there’s nothing to hide, so no paranoia. He/she will treat you special and have no qualms about doing so because it’s just a crush with nothing to tell. The moment you slip past that he/she may need to prove there’s nothing going on, because there is, and therefore your coworkers will say “Wow, he/she’s really mean to you” “He/she yells at you the most” “What’s his/her problem with you?” And that, my friends, hurts because you know he/she isn’t like that. Right? They’re not. Not really anyway. Wait, why does he/she hate me the most. All I do is try to help…. And THAT is where you will drive you and significant insane. You will fight and yell when there would be no reason to fight or yell if you didn't work together.

So, there you go, you should just quit now. Thankfully for me I happen to be worth putting up with and so is he.

ADDITIONAL EDIT: We now work in two completely different fields with completely different hours and most of our time is now snuggle / feed each other ice cream time. Yes. Hooray for snuggle time. Snuggle time with kittens and pugs…and ice cream. So much ice cream.

*NOT the same boss as the one in “A Post Post About the Boss Boss.” Not. Even. Close.

Angry Adjuncts and Cat Collections

What you will overhear in a community college adjunct office: 

"Yeah, well you know they didn't read"

"How did they even get in to college?"

"Students should be shot if they don't know about [insert something that is important to you that "everyone" should know]

"Oh, I have a neat collection of cat earrings!"

These are some the remarks overheard in the adjunct office as I sit at my desk and prepare for my next class. The complaints range from the usual, they didn't do the reading, they didn't hand in their work, and they didn't staple their paper, to more scathing comments about how stupid students are and how unbelievable it is that they are even here. I understand all of these frustrations, and it may be because I am new (this is only my third semester professin') but I find the negativity unbearable.

No, students do not own staplers. No, they do not remember to look at the syllabus. No, they do not know how to properly write an email. And yes, they will probably address you as, "yo, uh..." but that does not mean that they don't deserve to be here. In fact it means they need to be here. We aren't here to simply teach them about our favorite subject (although, for me, that's a huge plus) we are here to teach them about life, about themselves, and about interacting in a formal setting. Now, I am speaking specifically of freshmen. Upper class students, those little fuckers have no excuse. Alright, I'm half kidding about the little fuckers part, but freshmen are a special breed of college student. They are discovering they are adults. They have no idea how to be an adult, but they have misconstrued assumptions about "the real world" (whatever that is) and their role in it. Are they irresponsible 13th graders or are they grown-ups who are held accountable for their actions which have real consequences and ramifications in the world they are constantly reminded isn't "real" yet?

I'm confused myself about life and my role in it. I'm still not sure I've crossed the threshold into the land of the "real." What do I want to be when I grow up? These questions plague me, and granted, I'm not that old so it makes sense, but my students who are varying ages and at varying stages in life are even more dumbfounded by what is expected of them. Some of these students are parents and have been since they were teenagers, some of them are middle-aged and resentful of a person 15 years their junior giving them deadlines and assignments, but they are also resentful of their younger selves who didn't do it the first time around. Other students are freshly 18 and itching to enter the college life that Hollywood has so ostentatiously displayed for them in all its party-fluid-swapping glory.

I think the biggest problem between professor and student is the separation of us and them. Now, this is in the forefront of my mind because I just used David Sedaris' essay, "Us and Them," in class, and it emphasized a few thoughts that have been pokin' at me, pokin' at me* for weeks. Power is an unseen tool in the classroom. The prof has it, the students don't, or at least that's the assumption. Every now and then students challenge your unseen and assumed power to varying degrees and with varying results. A prof's power is displayed in the clothes they wear, what they prefer to be called (everyone knows the cool profs go by their first name), their classroom demeanor, and many other rhetorical strategies we both unconsciously and consciously use. I use them very consciously and opt for the in between of cool in my preference of "Professor P," it's not as formal as a full last name and it's not as casual as my first name (I can hear your scoffing laughter, Brian). I'm not willing to go full first name. Once you go full first name you can't go back. Of course, age plays into this as well. If you're clearly 20+ years older than your students you can have them call you anything and there is still the guise of age to allow you to command respect / power. I do not have that yet, for better or worse, in the hallway I could be one of them for all they know. But once I am in front of them and introduce myself erected are the walls of power. (Note: do not use the word erected in a freshmen class). I have found that profs who continuously reinforce those walls do themselves a disservice. As a prof you know what students are like. As varied and wonderful as each individual is in your class they are still a very homogeneous group from year to year, and you know what to expect. Pack a goddamn stapler in your bag and shut your mouth! Yes, they should staple it, but the argument, "what will they do when a boss asks them for a report and they hand it to them unstapled!?" is absurd. They will walk to a desk and staple it. What office doesn't have a stapler? Is this really the battle you want to fight with each assignment? Is this really what bothers you about our students? Do you know if they're registered to vote? Do you know if they have two alcoholic parents they care for each night and that they barely could type the minimum 3 pages anyway? I know. I'm always looking for the reason when I should just expect the result, but some reasons are so valid that they should at least be considered. Some community college students are in your classroom against great odds, and who knows if they will be there next semester, but I thank god they're there right now.

For me, I set the rules and boundaries and that's it. It's due when it's due or it loses points. I make other allowances as I see fit. Email it to me, sure. Unstapled, I got it. Come to me the week before and need an extension, I'll think about it. And this is not because I want to be some Michele Pfeiffer-esque teacher. It's really because I'm a selfish bitch. It makes it easier on me to make it easier on them. I do not have power struggles in my classes (yet), and the few times I have they have been extinguished within the first few weeks. Students love it when you are you. Not when you're some false pretense of a professor that either of you have seen in movies or in your own college classes. The profs I've learned the most from have always been the most real. You see their frustration because their life is real outside the classroom too, and they know yours is as well. It's not too difficult to relate to students. As they told me a few weeks ago, "You swear and you talk normal to us," "You care about what we have to say," "You know our names!" and my favorite, "You mad tatted, too."

I'm not saying break your own personal standards of decorum and go all salty-sailor on them, but I could not believe that in some classes profs do not know their students' names. These are not Big 10 universities. These are medium sized at best, and perhaps my view is skewed because the English department is a stickler on keeping class size capped, but at least make an effort. And for fuuuucks sake, stop complaining in the adjunct office about trivial matters you could correct in a class or two. If your students don't email you in a respectful and appropriate manner, show them how. I was shown when I was in college and I now show every class I have. I rarely get an email that doesn't have a "Dear Professor P, " and  a "Thanks, Your lovely student." Now, I can't control much of what's in between, from "I like you hair" to "So, wait...what are we supposed to do?" But at least it's a step in the right direction.

The easier it is on them the easier it is on you. Don't chase them. You really want to show them how to be adults, show them this is the real world. Their choices have consequences that just are. You aren't mad, and you're not bothered. The consequences are what they are. They didn't turn in an assignment? Oh, that's too bad they chose to get a zero. They don't come to class, that's too bad they chose to fail after so many absences. From my novice-like perspective, it really is that easy. It causes you less stress. No scathing lectures on their lack of responsibility, no need to embarrass them, no need to get all hot and bothered by my desk in the office while I'm trying to grade, read, write, or browse reddit in my down time. You know what to expect from students and if you give a little, so will they...or at least some of them will. In the meantime, please, tell me more about your cat earring collection. Oh, sweaters too, you don't say...

*Mallory gets the reference but in case you don't. Enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulM4E08J8Lo
*Also, I don't know why this post looks different from all the rest.