I’d rather not say I’m an internet creeper, but we all know that’s not true. I’m as much of a creep as you are, and don’t pretend you’re not. The whole world is one big community of creepers and internet looky-loos. I’m not sure how comfortable I am with this, but like you I can’t stop. I want to know what you look like before I meet you, before I trust you, before I have any face-to-face interaction whatsoever. Why? Because I can, and because it is so damn easy.
Here are some of my creepy activities. I will google you if you make a reservation at my restaurant. Not all of you... just those of you who look filthy rich, who are total and complete jerkfaceasses, and those of you who look interesting. Sometimes I find out that you’re not just a jerkfaceass in my restaurant, but you’re also one of the top white collar crime attorneys with very good friends who have very low ethical standards. Does that change how I treat you, your service, or your meal? Sadly, no. Nothing will happen to you or your food. My smile and well-wishing comments as you depart will not be altered in any way. When you leave, though, you may be the topic of snide conversation, or the subject of a blog post. Neither of which matters to you. That’s ok. The thing about me is, though, it matters to me. I find satisfaction knowing that when you leave the room we know who you are, or at least who you are as a public figure. They may not be the same, but they probably have an influence on one another. When I leave a room I try (and I emphasize try because I know it doesn't always work out this way) to live in such a way that, either I have done nothing worthy of discussion, or if I have I hope it is positive…or neutral. I know I cannot always accomplish this, but it is at least a goal I feel is worth striving for.
I will also FB stalk you if possible. This is ok if you have your privacy level set accordingly. Trust me, I’m not going to work that hard. But I will say that I have already FB stalked all my students for the upcoming semester. They all seem lovely…and are really good about privacy settings. But the most recent creep machine I have discovered is the public online PA court docket database. This has made me feel the creepiest and slimiest. Did I search the names of my roommates? Yep. Do I feel a little weird about it? Yep. Do I feel more comfortable that none of them have committed any recorded criminal offenses? Definitely. Did either of them murder their last roommate and bury them in cement at a new construction site after cutting them up into tiny indiscernible pieces? Shit…
Anyway…The face of how we interact has changed and will continue to do so. Although, I’m not completely convinced that we can only be immersed in technology and have our lives, vehicles, and photos constantly tracked via GPS before many of us turn away and finally shoot out the eyes of Doctor T. J. Eckleburg*. There may come a time when people decide it’s enough. They want privacy for privacy’s sake. I will admit (obviously) that I’m an internet creeper. Does it make me feel weird that so-and-so from elementary school randomly remembered my name and might be googling me as I type this? Hell yes. Stop it. Do not google me. Go google yourself. In fact, it is a healthy normal practice to google yourself. Children google themselves, adolescents, and adults too. In fact, self-googling increases with adolescence. You and your partner could even practice mutual-googling as a fun and alternative activity to your usual…ok, that’s enough.
The less I’m googled by others the better. But the less there is of me out there to be googled the less I need to worry about it. But, alas, I am a prolific photo uploader and fb-sharer. It is almost compulsive. Why do we do this? Is there a need to feel connected to others while sitting in our underwear at the dining room table typing blog posts while no one is home? No, that’s probably not it. I am worried about kids who know nothing other than a life on the web. Babies are born every day whose face will never not be broadcast over the web. They will literally grow-up in front of everyone. Now, we know that adults rarely make good decisions regarding what they put on the internet whether it is in the form of photos or comments or status updates. Just thinking about it has me yelling at my ovaries already, grounding each and every one of my potential children. I may just slip away from the internet and a public persona entirely…wait, did you see the picture of Clank I just put up??
Shit…
*Who??? Google it.
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