I’d rather not say that my big plans this afternoon were not to write this, or anything…well actually I was working on a fiction piece about my first trip to the Asian market but that can wait…but instead I was excited to watch season two of Parks and Recreation while trying a new hair curling/twirling technique and discussing my progress and other interesting topics with Clank. But, while I was in the shower, unsuccessfully trying to remember the lyrics to the apple bottom jeans song and scrubbing the first layer and a half of my face-flesh off with peach-scented sand and beer bottle shards, I felt compelled to ponder a phrase that is repeated to me as a motivator, a pick-me-up, and (I assume) a statement of admiration (maybe?). Also, the words to that song are very difficult and I was getting sandy bottle shards in my mouth…
Anyway, I am always told “You’re such a strong woman.” And yes, while it is true that I can almost lift a 25lb weight off the floor past my ankle, and I’m really good at carrying Clank in one arm, these people are not, although they should be, admiring my physical prowess. I think what they mean, if I deconstruct the phrase, the facial expressions, and the tone in their voices, is that “you’re strong a woman” really means “I can’t believe you don’t cut yourself.” It’s true. I don’t cut myself although I have been known to scream real loud and it kinda hurts my throat a lot, but that’s the most self-mutilation I have accomplished to this point. You see, my personal life has been less than ideal but not as bad as say, I don’t know…pick someone with a worse situation than mine. Good. See, at least my life isn’t that bad. Three years ago I got married a week before I turned 24. Two months later everything was destroyed. This all happened while I worked full time at an animal shelter and had to approve the euthanasia list, which, in the summer, could be as long as four+ pages. A year later nothing had changed. We were apart, and I was devastated because I’d built my life around the “him and I together” ideal.
So, that being the state of things I applied to grad school, got in, and went. I moved in with my Aunt in the Philly area, three hours from the only town I’d ever lived in and still hoped things would work out. They didn’t. I finished school, got my degree, got some travel abroad experience, and have no idea where life is going. Add me to the list of a million other people, thank you, I’ll expect your sympathy card in the mail by next week.
The point is I have terrible days where I have to let the sobbing, snotting, drooling, screaming, hysterical fits get the better of me. The anxiety bubble in my chest makes me feel like I’m 2 seconds away from being in Ripley’s nightmare at the beginning of Aliens. I do not feel very strong. In fact I usually feel like throwing up. But I am told, “You’re such a strong woman.” I’m not just strong, but somehow the qualification that I am also a woman makes the strong part more difficult/impressive(?). Which brings me to my main point, and the whole reason I’m letting my hair dry into a massive frizz helmet instead of laughing with Amy Pohler and creating cutesy little ringlets. What makes a strong woman a strong woman?
I have heard people say they couldn’t have done school while going through a separation. Really? Yeah. You could. Really. You could. There’s worse. I’m sure of it. But it seems to me that people say this strong woman phrase for a few reasons. I will let you know the number of reasons when I’m finished typing/thinking them. One, they really mean stop whining/crying/complaining/talking in general. You can handle this, now shut up. This I think is true with people who have heard the story and are tired of it. They’re tired of my troubles ‘cause they have their own. And I’m tired of my troubles too. I wish I’d just get over it so I can talk about something else already. Don’t I understand that I’d really rather not listen to me for just one minute?? Two, is Mom. She says it because she’s Mom and she means it and she is a superhero who is immortal and gives the best hugs. So, yeah. Mom. Three, are other women who know the struggle and by building me up builds themselves/herself up and we build us up, and it is a very good thing. I do think that there is such a thing (or can be such a thing) as a feeling of community between women, and it’s great to be a part of that. I remember during the most difficult moments feeling so safe and at ease with female friends. You could say that it’s because we’re friends, but there’s a difference between “Hey we’re friends. Co-ed friends. We have common interests.” And “Hey we’re friends. Female friends. Because of this nature makes us bleed at the same time.” It’s just different. Now that you’re slightly uncomfortable I’ll continue…
Women are strong because something devastating has happened and we did not crumble into a ball of tears, comfort food, and The Notebook? Are we supposed to? Is that what was expected of me? I poured myself a slightly above average number of drinks, leaned on my friends hard enough to cause scoliosis, and got my ass to grad school where I had a better reason to cry than my personal life. His name is Foucault.
“You’re such a strong woman.” Thank you, but no…not really. I’m a woman who handles it. Sometimes better than others, but usually not. I’m oddly thankful for painful experiences. Without them I probably never would have traveled to Scotland or Belize and met amazing people. I’m also resentful that I’m “more like a real person now” because I’ve “been through something” as I was told by a friend who could learn to better phrase her compliments. And I’m also a little sad that strength comes out of devastation. I understand it. But maybe there needs to be a better measuring tape. The more you don’t kill yourself the stronger you are? I don’t know. I’d rather not say it’s good bad things happen, even to good people, but it can build character. It can lend hope and inspiration to others. It can also kick your ass to make changes in your life. It did in mine.
I don’t know if society considers being a strong woman a special section of strength or if a man would be judged the same. Would he be considered strong or just seen as “taking it like a man.” I don’t know…but what I do know is that I think my hair may still be damp enough to twist, and every day that an alien doesn’t burst out of my chest is a good day.
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