Children and Other Pets

I don’t know what it is about talking to an adorable dog, but it seems that when we do all rules of normal everyday speech are utterly forgotten. Now, take my dog, Clank. Clank is the cutest-wootest pug there ever was, yes him is. But when I talk to him something happens to me and master’s level English. Now, I know I am not the only pet parent this happens to. My Aunt, for example, like many other loving pet parents must uncontrollably rhyme when she addresses any of the household’s three dogs. I’m not sure if it is simply their puppy-wuppy cuteness or the fact that in the presence of our dear doggy-woggies we simply revert to a more childlike state. But come to think of it, when I was actually in a childlike state, say, childhood, for example, I can’t remember ever speaking like that for any reason. I never opened my Rubbermaid tub of Barbies and Barbie knock-offs – whose hair was only attached in the front so that when turned upside down they looked like they were simply wearing terrible wigs also purchased from the dollar store – and say “Hewhoa Barbie-warbies! Who wants to play dress-up-wess-up then be forced to have fake Barbie sex with each other before Mommy-wommy comes in and I have to throw your naked bodies under the bed-weddie-by?” Nope never happened, not the poor speech or the Barbie sex, I swear. Never.

Anyway, my point is as children we learn both our proper grammar and poor speech habits from the adults in our lives, and I do not understand the conscious decision to use the latter. Since dogs do not have an official language we can blather on to them however we like and they will do what dogs do. Find the blather that means “walk” or “treat” and respond to it accordingly. Going for a wittle walkie-walk is just as effective as going for a regular walk and no more exciting. The truth is we like it. We pretend it’s for the dog,  we do it to babies as well, but it is for us. The adults. The ones in charge. We do it because it is fun. Now, Clank, no matter how precious-wecious he is could care less, although he does enjoy when I speak to him in a frequency just below that of bat sonar, but that’s because he loves and finds everything I say incredibly interesting. It is like music to his wittle earsers, yes it is, isn’t it? It sure is! Him is mommy’s sweet snickdoodle-woodle-poodle-pie. Hims is such a good puggy-wuggy-buggy-boy. And, damnit. Seriously, it is impossible to stop. I don’t know when this happened to humanity. Was it the first puberty of the first sentient human? Observing children in a dance studio I noticed that whenever a Mom has a new baby in the lobby other mothers would coo, and ooo, and ahh over it and the other children would watch then imitate. Three year olds stroke the heads of one year olds and say “awww.” That’s not hard to see. Kids mimic adults. But why did it start happening in the first place?

                Maybe it’s because dogs, children, and other pets won’t look at us cockeyed when we speak to them that way. Try going to work or signing for a package and say “Fank you, bubby wubby” to someone, just once. We like to be silly. We like to not be adults. We can be silly kids around our pets and other children.  We can say what we want, how we want, without a look of rejection or getting punched in the face.  And for that, Clank, Mommy fanks you my sweetie-petey-puddin’-wooden-pie!